Chuckling to myself at the caption of this piece. It really does not do any justice to the tone of what I’m about to reflect on, but hey it makes sense to me.
Recently, Mari Andrew uploaded a doodle on her feed, and I have been obsessed with her work this year. It triggered a train of thought that like all things in my head, has become a yarn of wool from a lone thread. She doodled that one of her dark fears is “My best friend finding her soulmate before I do.”
That. That emotion being expressed so blatantly. That fear being put out there to acknowledge. That feeling that so many of us might relate to.
There definitely was a tender point in my crossroads of life, where I remember feeling like I was the only one standing, while everyone else around me was leaping ahead. And the close ones making progress left me feeling like I was getting nowhere. Soulmates or otherwise, the speed at which the pace of different people and their lives can get to us when we are grappling through circumstances of our own. Many years later, I know this does not bother me at all for now, and I am grateful I stand at this point of mental solace. It must have come through me realizing my experiences were so very different, I was looking for very different things and the path I had chosen was not an early fruit giver, by any means.
Now, by no means of exaggeration, I love watching the people I love to make progress, achieve, conquer tiny fears, accomplish small victories in daily existences (because only God knows how each day can be!) and I celebrate each one of these with them.
Lately, I have been subdued through my change (some big ones), coming to terms with what I am about to step into and how much of it can I adapt to, and through all this I have been a tad bit surprised with people. People dealing with my change and not affixing their joy with mine. Perhaps, their reflection shall lead them to it at some point in their future, but for now, I am left wondering if they or I, could have been better prepared for this forlornness in the shadow of other’s delight?
Is it a manner of connecting to somebody so similar, that one lulls him/herself into thinking that the tangents of our life will always run at the same pace? That since we had similar struggles, it is unjust if things fall into place for one at one point, and not for the other? That the prospect of someone stepping into a new phase makes one want to distance themselves from it all because suddenly they are different than the rest of us? That lashing out at someone’s “priorities” in whatever order/manner they choose to achieve it makes their perception of themself better in their head? That suddenly taking the high horse, whilst blaming others for their lack of ambition because they found their soulmates justifies their pace of life? What is it about someone close moving ahead in life, that unlocks the wildest fears and overwhelms them?
What of the above, justifies anybody feeling like they need to dim their happiness for the sake of someone else and feel guilty about it? I really do try my best to be sensitive about the things I share from my life, dear to my heart, out there for the world to see for not wanting to trigger any negative emotions for anyone who might be going through their own hidden journey. But is that enough?
Maybe we all needed to be taught early on, that all the people we love are going to go through their own individual journeys, happy and tragic, and try as we may, we cannot change that for better or worse. We are as much as spectators to their life’s play as we are to ours. I sincerely hope, each one of us, can tame the demon of panic and fear that threatens to devour us, each time we see someone we love, move ahead because we all know we have each been through difficult hurdles to be getting anywhere. And the people who love us and have been through it all alongside us should know it better than anyone else.
Reverse Focus 
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